27th Jan’1965
Hope this letter finds you, Amma, Raji and Seenu in good health. The weather here in New York City is icy cold. But Avar sollraar- I have missed this winter’s biting cold. I still wish I had seen the snow… But then, I still wish I had not left Trichy at all. I do miss Trichy, Appa. You, Amma, Raji, Seenu, pakkatthaathu Rama, Vikatan,Ucchi Pillaiyaar Koil, filter coffee, Holy Cross College, the Maths Department and of course Sakthi. I know you wish I hadn’t brought his name in this letter.But not to worry Appa, I understand that you got me married to Visu because you thought it was best for your daughter.
I still remember Amma wiping her silent tears with her madisaar thalappu and you shouting at me the day I told you about Sakthi.Later, when the initial shock wore off you patiently listed umpteen reasons why I should not marry Sakthi. I agree Appa, that 20 is too young to decide, that Raji and Seenu would have been affected greatly by my ‘mistake’, the Agrahaaram would have scoffed at you… a meat eater was not a good match for someone who had never even tasted onion and garlic. The reasons were innumerous. I knew you’d still have objected and offered other reasons even if he had become a Dhigambara monk.
Visu on the other hand, wore a poonal, he is the son of Neelakanta Sastri, an Engineer and he researched about computers which is what made you jump for this alliance. Am not complaining Appa, Visu is a nice man. Tell Amma that I could not try her kozhakkattai recipe this Pongal because coconuts were too expensive and Avar nenacchar that it was ridiculous.
Anyway, we went out on Sankaranthi day and dined out. He thought it would be a good idea to invite the Chatterjees also. But I didn’t speak Bengali and Mrs.Chatterjee spoke English in an accent that comes with living years in America. Hence I made myself busy with the menu card. They ordered various species of fish,shrimp and a lot more of items I had never seen in my life. I ordered orange juice and a sandwich. The other diners thought it was queer coming to a seafood restaurant and settling for a sandwich. That day, I learnt that Avar prefer pannradhu beef, pork, bacon and seafood.
Do you know, Appa… Sakthi gave up meat because of me? I didn’t ask, he just did. But then, Sakthi is not Neelakanta Sastri’s son and that made it imposible for Subramania Iyer’s daughter Kalyani to marry him.I will keep you posted on what happens here. I don’t think I can make it to Seenu’s Upanayanam. Tell Amma not to get me a pattu podavai for the poonal, I don’t use them here. I wore it once and felt like a clown here.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
20th Oct’1968
We are fine here. Gautam is speaking his first words and I swear they sounded like ‘Dosai’. But Visu claims it’s just gibberish. From your previous letter, I gather that pakkathatthu Rama is married and settled in Jamshedpur. Nice to know that. Please find out her address from Saarada maami and write it to me. I want to keep in touch with her. I hope Raji is happy with her husband in Madras. I spoke to her last month, great to know that she has a phone. Do tell Seenu to study well and prepare for his school final exams.
Raji also told me that Sakthi is married now. I wish him good luck, but I could not convey the message to him. Raji refused to be the messenger and I know you have severed ties with Sakthi’s father, your long term friend Sankaravel, thanks to me. I hear his wife is his cousin… He must have succumbed to his mother’s wishes.
How did Avani Avittam go? Visu’s mother gave me a bunch of new poonals for Avani Avittam but Visu was in Boston that day. He wouldn’t have used it anyway, I haven’t seen him wear one in the last three years. Gautam is now playing with the spool of thread- mere thread it is, what else can I call it? Gautam will not even know what it signifies, I guess.
Visu is making sure Gautam grows up listening to English only. He says it will make his life easier. But I do read out passages from Ponniyin Selvan and Bharathiyaar’s poetry when I am alone with him. It’s more of reading to myself, I guess. I actually got that poetry book as a present from Sakthi, it still has his scrawling signature in the first page.
By the way, Visu saw that book and asked me about Sakthi, I told him. Hold your breath Appa, he didn’t throw me out of the house. He is a good man, no question. He said it is okay and that he doesn’t mind. And then he told me of his American girlfriend whom he was once in love with, when he first reached America- Amy, a fellow Researcher who was in a brief relationship with Visu when she was in New York. They lived together for 3 months and decided against marriage, somehow. Amy once dropped home when she was in New York. Nice lady, she was.
Ask Amma to send me Sambar Podi for this whole year. My friend Sudha is coming to Madras next week. Ask Seenu to catch the Rockfort Express and give it to her. I will collect it from her here.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
3rd June’1974
We have arrived here safely. After two months in India, I find it hard to adjust back to normal life here. Gautam and Ranjana demand vadai,paayasam and vaazhai ilai here. Visu’s relieved to be back in America. I left a set of my books there. If it’s not in Trichy it must be in Visu’s parents’ place. If you find them, safeguard them until my next trip. They mean a lot to me since they were gifts from Sakthi. By the way, Appa, I found out Sakthi’s present address in Madras from Rama and Saarada maami. I wrote to him. I am extremely proud to know that Dr.Sakthivel is a cardiologist much in demand there in Madras. He was thrilled to hear from me after so long. You know what he has named his daughters? Kalyani and Raagamaalika. He called me. You know what, he’s still a practising vegetarian, Appa. He didn’t revert back just because he lost me… He asked me if I still sang and whether Gautam and Ranjana could sing. I could see a proud father in him, when he claimed his daughters could sing upto Rara Venu Gopala. That’s when I remembered that I was once a good singer. I wonder why I stopped singing, wonder why I never exposed the kids to Music and Dance. But then, I realize that I had buried all that deep inside me when I left Trichy; after bidding farewell to my best Rasika, actually. Sakthi. After the call, I tried singing ’Kurai Onrum Illai’. I could not rquite reach Charanam, because of the lack of practice and more importantly because of the tears that filmed my eyes and the constriction in my throat. I sang to Visu and the kids one of these days. Though Gautam was impressed, father and daughter could not just wait for me to finish! By the way, next time some friend comes to India, send me a Sruthi Box. I would like to start singing again.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
14th Aug 1978
Just back after our tour to California. Find our photos, picture postcards attached herewith. After you are done with showing all family members,relatives, friends and neighbours, pass them to Visu’s parents. It was a welcome break for the four of us. But I missed my paattu class students all along and was happy to resume the classes again last evening. Did I mention in my previous letter, before we left on the tour - I finally got my driving license here. I sent a few photos to Sakthi too. He has sent me quite a few records and cassettes. I loved it! I’m reminded of AIR, almost! I’m circulating them among my friends too. And of course, playing them for my students too. They are picking up beautifully. Funny news is, I, a Tamilian, is teaching Telugu and Sanskrit kritis to a cross section of Tamil, Malayalam, Kannada,Telugu, Marathi, Bengali students in an English speaking nation. The music sessions have resulted in a reborn Kalyani, Appa. Thanks to Sakthi, really. I would have never taken it up had it not been for his reminder. I am now thinking of what life would have been like if I had indeed married him. I would have of course lost you and Amma. But right now, with this life in America, Visu and these monthly letters to you, Rama, Raji and Seenu what have i gained? I don’t find an answer, Appa. Neither do I think I ever will. Again, as I have always reiterated, Visu is a good man, no complaints there. He is every bit the son in law you wanted. Researcher, American Post-Graduate Degree holder, a dutiful husband and father,earning a comfortable income. I know it is too much to ask for anything else. That is a fantasy I left midway in my life… Once upon a time in Trichy with someone else.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
14th Apr’1984
Met Dr.Sakthivel after 19 years… He had come to New York for business purposes and paid me a visit. Visu and the kids welcomed him home with great pleasure. And they liked him too. Infact, they did most of the talking initially. And of course, he got me a whole load of books, cassettes, Mysore Paak and lots more.
Your loving daughter,
Kalyani.
Dearest Appa,
20th Jan’ 1990
I just went through all these letters lying in my closet draw for years together. These are letters I started writing to you and then decided not to post. For obvious reasons. I could not mention Sakthi to you even though I was itching to. Not because I was afraid to invite your wrath. I just did not have the heart to hurt you, I know these letters would have hurt you. Because deep inside, I know you were disturbed- you knew Sakthi was a good man, you knew he was a man of substance, yet you didn’t want to go further. Society, I know. ..Family… I know… And all these letters would have only wounded you more.Today, 2 years after your death, and 6 months after Dr.Sakthivel’s untimely death in a road accident, I somehow felt like re-reading all these letters. To me, all these unstamped, unposted letters mean a life that could have been.
Kalyani Viswanathan.
He sat there on the pavement, an idle guy with a towel over his lap. There were some odd rupee notes strewn about on the towel, his hands lying loosely over them to prevent them from flying. He seemed to be about 10 years of age, had a dark complexion, was thin and had burn marks on his chest.
Those were the blatant features - something for everyone to see. But there was something else which was so much more obvious that it has been in my mind for the past few days and refuses to be wiped out. The kid’s face, the manner in which he sat, his expression of total indifference to everything and everyone around him!!
There were people passing by him in either direction. A few stopped to give him some money. But that expression on his face remained the same. There was light wind on that Sunday which caused a few notes to fly. He remained seated. A man brought back the Rupee 10 note which had flown with the wind. He did not even bother looking up. Yet he was sitting on the pavement, a towel spread over his lap.
I am not able to figure out that expression, or rather the lack of it. I have seen kids beg before, their manner of begging coming right out of the textbook. Their “akka, akka, akka…”, the ‘please help me’ look, the light tugging at your shirt. All this probably fed to them when they started. I assume they were told to do and they do. So blissfully ignorant at that age that begging might have been just another game.
So why the difference in this kid? Was he moody? Was he lost in other thoughts? Or was he just not that interested in the game??
What if he was forced to do it against his will and to him it was not even a game! Then don’t we ‘sympathizers’ become a part of what forces him to continue??
There might be factors which I do not know about which may be the reasons behind this kid begging. But I do know that the motivation for those factors to act is given by us! In a span of about 45 minutes, he had collected about a hundred rupees. Why then wouldn’t someone tell him to sit on the pavement rather than send him to school?
Small acts of ours can make a difference and I mean this in both the positive way and the negative. Let us not become the reason for these kids to beg.
HYPNOTISM!!!
Wake up people, cos you have been hypnotized!! (Nothing to worry about here – it’s been done for the good)
This hypnosis is somewhat along the lines of what Hal was put through (although to a FAR lesser extent) in the movie Shallow Hal.
For those of you who haven’t seen the film, Young Hal is advised by his dying father and following the advice religiously, dates women blindly(just figuratively), based ONLY on their physical beauty. One day he runs into this self help guru who hypnotizes him into seeing only the inner beauty of a woman and the then hypnotized Hal falls deeply in love with overly obese but lovely Rosemary. The hypnotized Hal sees the people for who they are truly are – for their character. To him the world appears different from what is perceived and it is in this world that he finds his true happiness.
The story is quite simple, it might have been portrayed in a little exaggerated manner to make its message apparent but this inherent message was beautiful.
Now having stated the story and mentioning the words ‘Hypnotize’, I think it is time I tell how we fit into this whole picture.
Have you ever wondered why children seem so beautiful? Why don’t all these children, so adorable when they were kids, remain as beautiful as they grow older? Have you wondered why sometimes the hottest guy in office appears to have sprouted 2 horns behind his head, and the person who you initially thought was just okay now seems like the most beautiful person you know. Have you ever wondered why your dad seems like the most handsome person you know and why the appearances of friends changes as you get to know them more.
Someone’s out there looking at the way you look at everything and the moment your vision goes awry – Zappppp! :)
Enjoy the zapped realm :)
(For the unzapped rest – you will also see it someday but don’t wait for someone to make that happen)
