I have a thing with dentists. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not attracted to them! For heavens sake no! The image which comes into my mind when I think of dentists is that of a masked individual with a drill in one hand, a tiny mirror in the other and an evil glint in his/her eyes (the kind which says that my next half hour is in his hands…. literally!). Why then would I see someone like that without unless I don’t have a choice.
My episode with dentists began around the second year of college. As is with any new experience, I decided to be brave through it. I convinced myself that pain is a just a feeling which is triggered by the brain and that I, the master of my body, controlled the signals sent out by my brain. The first few hours at that chair were spent constantly repeating the above lines to myself. This was after I ‘convinced’ my brain that the drilling noises coming from inside my mouth were imaginary.
All went well for the first few visits. I was pretty sure that my theory worked and I had succeeded in reducing the amount of pain I felt. If I came across anything mentioning the excruciating pain associated with root canal, I couldn’t help but be filled with pride at the discovery I had made. For me this was an achievement. It led me to gain a new confidence in myself. There was nothing I could not do. All that was required was to ‘tell’ my brain what to do and voila it was done. With the new confidence I had gained, I began applying the same to almost every thing in my life – happiness, sadness, dedication, jealousy… Life was full of possibilities and all I had to do was to just explore it. The factor of inadequacy had simply managed to disappear and I was all set to rule the world I live in.
And then, on one of those ordinary days with yet another dentist visit, my state of mind being fairly relaxed and the mantra for reducing pain playing in my head, it had all seemed very ordinary. The bright light above my head – very ordinary. The dentist doing his job – very very ordinary. The sudden stinging pain which started at the gums and felt like it navigated all over my body – not ordinary at all! This was not meant to happen. I was filled with self doubt – did I do something which caused the mantra to stop working? Did my brain stop listening to me? Was I losing the control I thought I had over my body? This was definitely not meant to happen! NO way.
I dreaded every dentist visit after that. Every moment in that chair was spent fearing and anticipating the pain which I may or may not experience. Even a small sting started to feel like an unbearable pain. I would shut my eyes as soon as I saw the dentist with his tools, fists would be tightly clenched, and I would be all set to scream even at the remote feel of pain. It is this fear and not me which took control of me for those entire half hour visit to the dentist.
Anticipating something painful which may or may not happen did not benefit me much. It did not reduce the pain I felt; on the contrary it may have increased it. It led me to spend a portion of my life in total agony even if that portion was just half an hour. It also led me to spend a considerable amount of time dreading the time I would be spending in agony!
But it did do a few good things too. It made me realize that few things such as pain did not come under the ‘I can control it’ category, that fear did nothing useful, and that the same fear comes under the ‘I can control it’ category and finally it also gave me the inspiration to write another post.
p.s. I still rule most of the world I live in.
